Cooking for One and All

I learned early on that food connects us. Dining together shares us. And it's beautiful. BUT...

I'm terrible at eating, great at cooking. I have a ton of cookbooks, enjoy creating out of them every chance I get, love laying out a spread for family and friends, but I have a horrible tendency to go days without eating. It's crazy. Even as I'm preparing dishes for others, I taste as I go, but I don't always eat.

Yes, I know it's not good for me. Of course, I'm aware that I can't be all about sharing food to learn more about each other and then not dine myself. And, no, I don't need the name of a good therapist. Got that covered, thanks.

Like father, like daughter

My dad was a terrible eater. My mom cooked these fantastic meals and my father would nibble a few bites and it was understood to save his leftover plate for him. We'd then cover it in plastic wrap and set it on top of the microwave where it would sit for days as he'd pick at it. I don't do that. Honest. BUT...

I have been known to make a doggy bag last an inordinately long time. I may look more like my mom, but I am my father's daughter when it comes to eating and of all the not-so-fantastic habits I have inherited from him, my appetite is the one I haven't been able to manage as I get older.

I've moved into what many call the "golden years" — which I suppose means I'm in my 60s — and I like being on the planet. I have no serious health issues, have very few aches and pains, but I've noticed my energy level sucks and my digestive system isn't very happy with me. Well, let's be honest, I've had stomach issues since I was a kid and that's part of what makes eating not the most fun for me. But as I move into this new phase of my life, I'm being a bit more conscious of loving life and wanting to live it to its fullest with all of me. Every ounce of me.

That means, I need to focus more on eating and being as present with my own food as I am with how I serve others. And that is exactly what I'm doing.

The art of solo eating

I like cooking for myself. I know many people don't but I've always enjoyed preparing a meal just for me.

It started when I was a kid. Saturdays were the day my mom made it clear we were on our own until dinner and gave me run of the kitchen. There were only three rules: Clean up, ask if what I'm using is needed for dinner, and if you use the last of something put it on the grocery list. Easy. I could make whatever I wanted and experiment in the kitchen to my heart's content as long as I adhered to those three simple rules.

I have kept to those as I've gotten older. I'm a big believer in mise en place (everything in its place) when I cook, chopping and putting things in small bowls in preparation for the actual cooking is very soothing to me. It's like the overture of a musical and it's glorious. I become filled with anticipation for the food I'm about to make for myself, setting my table for me and getting ready to create something delicious for my personal, private consumption. I don't always get to do that because I'm a single mom of two giant humans and cooking is usually for at least three of us and sometimes the revolving door of friends who stop by.

For the last few days, however, I have been away from home on my own and preparing meals for me and me alone. I'm making what I like to eat — which tends to be fish, Asian-themed, and lots of veggies — and I decided to take photos to remind myself to eat, enjoy my food, and even figure out if something I made that day didn't sit well with my belly.

These solo meals aren't consumed in one sitting. Nope. I haven't gotten that far. What I have done, however, is broken them up into smaller, more accessible dining options that help me eat more frequently throughout the day. And I'm getting the hang of it.

Sort of.

Eater in progress

I'm an Eater in progress. This is is a lifelong issue that won't manage itself overnight. Believe me. I've always been the person who when something is bothering them or when I'm anxious, I don't eat. Or when I'm really happy. Or when the sun fucking goes down or comes up. I'm a feeder, not an eater, but I'm working on it. And as I take this journey, I bet there are more of me out there who aren't rail thin but have a hell of a time putting food in their tummies. Not because they don't believe in dining, but because... shit, I don't know.

And that's what I'm working on. Figuring out what makes me more prone to serving than giving to myself. I know that's a bigger picture question beyond just food, but let's deal with my plate for now, shall we?

If you've discovered the secret of getting over a "non-eating" hump, I'd love to hear about it. As I said, I don't have an issue cooking, I love creating meals for others, and I get a huge rush from even grocery shopping and going to farmer's markets and discovering great produce, excellent meats and fish, and all things to stock my pantry and fridge. It's the me part that I have difficulty with.

Yeah, yeah. I know... I'm working on it. What about you?